I Miss Him Cookies

October 23, 2012

Today is my brother’s birthday. His 30th. It’s been almost five years since he died. Five years…it kind of seems like a long time. But it still feels raw. So much so that I struggle to even say his name. Clearly.

David. Dave.

I’m working on it.



…..

I miss him.

I miss him laughing so very loudly at The Simpsons. The last moments I spent with him alive were watching an episode.

I miss coming down to the kitchen and having the scent of grilled cheese on toast waft over me…he loved his cheese. French cheese, especially.

I miss him always insisting on listening to Triple M when in the car, even though it drove me insane at the time. Now it’s Midnight Oil forever.

I miss telling him off for drinking juice straight out of the carton.

I miss hearing him play the piano. Every day.
I miss his presence…feeling, knowing that he would always protect me. Even when we fought, I knew he’d do anything for me. He was my big brother.

I miss it all.

…..

As I have each year since I started this blog, I made cookies for David’s birthday. Today they’re Almond Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies (recipe link). Why? Because I was having a particularly shitty day two weeks ago, feeling super emotional about his upcoming birthday and just generally missing him. I felt like baking that afternoon, baking a chocolate chip cookie with a bit more wholesome nutrition than your average version. And so I chose this recipe.


If you discount the exorbitant amount of sugar in these bites, they’re a little healthier than your typical cookie – full of oats and almond butter, with some flaxmeal to boot. Just what I wanted. And while these cookies are vegan (ensuring you use appropriate dark chocolate chips), they don’t taste as you might expect a vegan cookie to taste. Let’s be honest, it’s due to all that sugar.

These cookies are downright delicious. They’re comfort. I’m quite certain David would have liked these cookies. In fact, he’d probably have struggled to stop at 2 or 3. Yes, absolutely.

I miss him.

I’m going to go watch The Simpsons, season 1 (my favourite), while drinking juice straight out of the carton. Later I’ll listen to Midnight Oil and make a grilled cheese sandwich. Or maybe this one – man, he would LOVE that sandwich. He had good taste, my brother.

Happy 30th birthday, David. I miss you. I so wish I could taunt you for being old today. Instead, you’ll be forever young.



Cookies in afternoon light. David would have appreciated that. Good living.



Heidi xo
  • Leah October 23, 2012 at 7:02 am

    Sweetheart my heart breaks for you and your family.
    No words will make you feel any better. But if you need someone I'm always here for you xo

  • denitapreston October 23, 2012 at 7:34 am

    This is beautiful Heidi. My thoughts are with you and your wonderful, strong and supportive family today. He is truly "forever young" and will be forever vibrant in your lives.

    The cookies look incredible – a perfect play on the peanut butter cookies. I plan to make them this weekend.

    Thinking of you always.

    Love De. xx

  • Hannah Gilbert October 23, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Such beautiful words Heidi. Lots of love to you today xx

  • Blithely Unaware October 23, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Oh darling girl, these posts always go straight to my chest.

    Love to you

    xox

  • Lisa @ Blithe Moments October 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

    I can't even imagine the hole that would be left in my life if I lost my sister. Your words for your brother move me every time. I hope these cookies help make you feel a little more whole and a little less of the hole today.

  • Erin October 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    I've just started reading your blog, and actually read it in full last week (from first post to last – it took me a few days!) Every post has been an absolute joy to read, you capture your emotions and thoughts so beautifully. I never comment on blogs, but I just knew I had to today. Heidi, your beautiful soul will be in my thoughts all day. xx

  • seanjewellprints October 23, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    im gonna make a palio version with coconut sugar!

  • Yasmeen October 23, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    Heidi,

    You have always struck me as being a thoughtful, authentic and happy person, which keeps me coming back here day after day. Your brother would be so proud! And what a sweet way to celebrate his life each year… I have no doubt he would have loved these.

    Big hug
    Yasmeen

  • leaf (the indolent cook) October 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    A beautiful tribute. It's lovely that you bake cookies for him every year… a sweet way to remember him and something he would no doubt appreciate. Hugs.

  • Heidi October 24, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Leah – thank you, lovely. You're divine.

    De – thanks, beautiful. Miss you loads xo

    Hannah – thank you 🙂

    Blithely Unaware – love to you too, lady.

    Lisa – thank you 🙂

    Erin – that's so sweet of you, how lovely. Thank you 🙂

    Sean – sounds absolutely delicious!

    Yasmeen – thank you so much, that's really lovely.

    Leaf – thanks 🙂

    Heidi xo

  • Hannah October 24, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I couldn't breathe, reading this post. I couldn't breathe and I wanted to call you and felt so helpless that I couldn't, can't, but I'm sending you so many hugs and all the love and oh Heidi. You know how I wish for you. How I wish. xoxo

  • Kari October 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Oh Heidi, I am so sorry…I am new enough to your blog to not have known of your brother's loss before and am so saddened for you and your family to hear of it now. What a beautiful tribue to him here and I am sure he appreciates the cookies – they look delightful 🙂

  • Not Quite Nigella October 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    I always love your tributes to David. I know nothing can replace a person and there's no way we can know how you feel. But can we give you a hug anyway? xxx

  • Dana October 24, 2012 at 11:59 pm

    Such a heartwrenching, but equally beautiful post Heidi. Thoughts are with you

  • nancy October 25, 2012 at 10:28 am

    What a heartbreaking post. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and your pain.

  • Ros October 25, 2012 at 10:46 am

    My heart breaks reading this and I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain but your memories are beautiful. The cookies look divine and I will make them this weekend for a special birthday in my family xx

  • Ashleigh Jones October 26, 2012 at 9:55 am

    This breaks my heart. I lost a sibling over a decade ago, and it still hurts today. "Forever young" is such a beautiful way of looking at it. You have such beautiful memories, thank you for sharing them. Happy birthday David.

  • Heidi October 26, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Hannah – you're beyond supportive & amazing, lovely, thank you xo

    Kari – thank you, so much 🙂

    Lorraine – yes please, thanks, lady!

    Dana – thanks for you lovely thoughts 🙂

    Nancy – thank you 🙂

    Ros – sounds lovely, thank you!

    Ashleigh – thank you. I'm sorry for your loss too. Hugs xo

    Heidi xo

  • Emma October 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Thinking of you and your family. xxx

    The cookies look amazing.

  • Heavenly Ingredients October 27, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Heidi
    Loved this post, despite the tears welling up.
    I'm sure David is smiling
    Xx

  • Lisa (bakebikeblog) October 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    thinking of you guys today xx

  • Sig October 29, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    What a beautiful tradition and tribute to your brother. Those cookies look amazing and I am sure that he would have loved these with a carton of juice to wash it down 🙂

    *hugs* little lady.

  • Daisy@Nevertoosweet October 29, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Oh Heidi 🙁 I'm so sorry for your loss and even though it's been 5 years, I can only imagine how it probably only feels like yesterday.

    These cookies look so delicious I bet David would love them too and eat them all before you could tell him off.

    My thoughts are with you and your family! XOX

  • Ali October 29, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    i remember reading this post last year… and now you've made me tear up again. you sound like a wonderful sister. thoughts are with you and your family.

  • Rachel October 30, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Heidi, I was thinking of you all last week and sending my love from afar.
    Mum and Dad have David's birthday on the calendar still, so you've all been in our thoughts.
    Your blog post is beautiful, it looks as though you all honored him very well.
    Rachel
    xoxoxoxo

  • Rachel October 30, 2012 at 10:39 am

    (Coffey)

  • msihua October 31, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    You are simply the best! BIG HUGS!

  • Iron Chef Shellie November 1, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    reading way too many emotional blog posts today, and I'm at work so trying to refrain from crying!

    I'm so glad you still celebrate his birthday and have a tradition.

    My Grandfather passed on Christmas Eve 13 years ago. Every year I buy a new scented candle and light it on Christmas Eve.

    Big Hugs to you xoxo

  • Heidi November 2, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Emma – thanks 🙂

    Heavenly Ingredients – thank you 🙂

    Lisa – lovely!

    Sig – awe thanks

    Daisy – thank you very much

    Ali – thank you, that's lovely.

    Rachel – thanks, lovely lady. Lots of love xo

    Msihua – thanks!

    Michele – thanks, lady. that's a lovely thing to do *hugs*

    Heidi xo

  • Sausages and Shortbread. For David. - Apples Under My Bed - A food diary. October 24, 2013 at 7:35 am

    […] like every year, I made you […]

  • Bread, a new oven and David’s Birthday – Apples Under My Bed October 26, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    […] recently experienced a few hot days, which has left me craving ice-cream rather than my usual cookies for David. Though Thursday was quite chilly, I went ahead and made vanilla ice-cream (recipe […]

  • Spring So Far – Apples Under My Bed October 26, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    […] batch of nut butter, oat and chocolate chip cookies (recipe link) for Ben and his work […]