Sausages and Shortbread. For David.

October 24, 2013

We miss you, David.

I want to tell you things. I want to tell you that Ben and I got married last year. I couldn’t think of you much during that time, or dare to mention you for fear of losing it. And because of that I haven’t associated our wedding with you. But you’d have loved that day…and we’d have danced. Did you dance much? I can’t remember how you danced… Forgetting scares me.

I want to tell you that we’ve moved into a new house. A home. It’s small and lovely, very cute, very us. We have a vegetable garden and I’m doing alright at keeping everything alive. I’d have had you over for salads by now. I’d have made them with roasted vegetables, garden greens and goats cheese with a mustard olive oil dressing.

I want to tell you how I’m living life really well. You gave me that gift. The gift of knowing how short our time can be. Sometimes I catch myself apologising for living the way I want, without restrictions or boundaries or “shoulds”. Why is that? There is no need to be sorry for it. That’s your most precious gift to me. I love my family and friends and give myself to this world more because of you. I take opportunities and I create and I am kind to myself and I love so deeply. It hurts and it’s scary, but I do it anyway as I know that these are the days, the moments, and it can all be gone so suddenly. It’s an inspiring and heartbreaking truth. And my days, my life is better, richer and so lived because of this. Thank you.

But I wish you were here.

Yesterday you would have turned 31. Mum, Dad, Jackson, Ben and I all gathered together to make sausages, an activity you would have loved. Mainly for the end result. We used real intestines for casings, which was both gross and cool. Rosa was there in the morning, as were Nana and Roo. We ate scones and laughed. Then we got stuck into the serious sausage business. Pork and fennel, and spiced lamb.

sausage 2

sausage 6

sausage 4
sausage 5

sausages 11

And like every year, I made you biscuits.

This year, I honoured your love of those cheese biscuits we used to get from the Red Hill Market. Mum would bring home a box and by the end of the day they’d be gone, all of us equally guilty for stealing those cheesy, buttery rounds one by one.

Happy birthday, big brother.

sausage 7

sausage 8


Parmesan Shortbread
(recipe link). Note: use a sharp parmesan here. Next time, I’ll be adding in fried bacon crumbs or perhaps a pinch of smoked paprika. Yes.

sausage 10

Thank you for all your kind words on instagram and twitter and via email and text. You guys are so supportive, it’s lovely.

Heidi xo

 

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20 Comments

  • Reply Yasmeen @ Wandering Spice October 24, 2013 at 8:09 am

    Heidi, you are a beautiful person and I’m so grateful to have you in my life. David would be (is) very proud of you. You’re giving him the greatest gift and tribute by living and loving fully. Thinking of you x

    • Reply Heidi October 24, 2013 at 10:38 am

      Thanks, my dear. Means a lot xo

  • Reply Cilla October 24, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Hugs, Heidi.

    • Reply Heidi October 24, 2013 at 10:38 am

      Thank you, Cilla x

  • Reply Laura October 24, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    Made me teary reading this post Heidi

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 10:59 am

      xo

  • Reply Ashley October 24, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    These posts to your brother every year are just so heartfelt and beautiful. Lots of hugs 🙂

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 10:59 am

      Thanks, lady x

  • Reply Sarah October 24, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    You are such a beautiful, vital person, Heidi; a true lesson in living life well. And he danced, somewhat goofily, like a comedian doing someone else’s dance, only better! Miss him too xx

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 10:59 am

      🙂 thanks for this, cousin. love you xo

  • Reply jac October 24, 2013 at 7:59 pm

    What a beautiful post. So eloquently describing what it feels like to lose someone and miss them every day.

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 11:00 am

      thanks, jac x

  • Reply Carly Findlay October 24, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    A beautiful piece Heidi. Have been thinking of you a lot x

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 11:00 am

      thank you, lovely x

  • Reply Melanie October 24, 2013 at 11:02 pm

    Thank you. For speaking from your heart. And your pain. And your loss. It’s really special in this micro-managed world where it sometimes seems as though every utterance has been scrutinised & edited…

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 11:01 am

      thanks, Melanie, I appreciate your words x

  • Reply Hannah October 25, 2013 at 4:51 am

    I cried, reading this.

    Your words. These paragraphs. Memories of our conversations in New York, particularly on the couch at the Ace Hotel. Your beautiful words, your strength, your hope.

    Life delights in life, and learns, too.

    xoxo

    • Reply Heidi October 25, 2013 at 11:01 am

      thanks, my dear. I remember that day so fondly x

  • Reply Lorraine @ Not Quite Nigella October 25, 2013 at 10:52 pm

    What a beautiful post Heidi! Heartbreakingly gorgeous 🙂

  • Reply Bread, a new oven and David’s Birthday - Apples Under My Bed - A food diary. October 25, 2014 at 2:39 pm

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