DOING: sitting on the bed, typing. Ben and Joan have gone to collect our vegetable from the farm. I asked him to bring me back a vegetable juice. I might have a coffee soon. Over the past few days, coffee has become appealing again.
HEARING: the crickets, chirping outside. Is it even cricket season?
LOOKING: forward to Byron Bay. I am indescribably excited for nature, hikes, smoothies, fancy organic produce, reading (I need another book), watching shows with Ben while Joan sleeps, and hanging out in our lovely AirBnB pad.
DRINKING: A few days ago I bought myself a bottle of kombucha and every evening I’ve been taking to it. Ooooh the kombucha I’ll have in Byron… I’ve also been drinking raw cacao (this recipe) and turmeric lattes (made with this powder I was kindly sent to sample – see pic above). Fresh veggie juices, too.
WANTING: Ben to hurry home with that juice. I find fresh vegetable juice, say with carrot + beetroot + celery + ginger + lemon, to be an instant mood-lifter, body bouncing, happiness-inducer.
READING: nothing. After finishing The Girls (which I loved), I had begun to read baby books. I expect I’ll pick them up again over the coming months but right now, after my this recent pregnancy ended, it’s a bit fresh. So I’m watching shows on Netflix. Reading before bed helps me sleep better, but right now I don’t care, I just want an easy mind escape.
EATING + COOKING: my appetite is not in full force, however cooking has become more appealing. I’m planning on doing a massive cook-up tomorrow (Sunday 18th), so that I will be prepared with nourishing food after my procedure next week (the procedure to remove the pregnancy tissue). I’m planning a big batch of chicken stock, bolognese and falafel.
Other than that we’ve been going nuts over mandarins and oranges. We make fresh orange juice at least twice a week (I water Joan’s serve down – more for me), and she has such fun squeezing them. And to help us get through all our Transition Farm veggies, we’ve been roasting them and making salads with goats cheese and canned fish.
DECIDING: now I keep thinking, “what book will I bring to Byron….?”
ENJOYING: showers. I forgot how good showers made me feel. For the first time in a long while (since my brother died, probably), I had trouble bouncing out of bed. It was during the two weeks between finding out our baby wasn’t growing and having the procedure to remove the unviable tissue. I was getting used to living my new reality, the one where I wasn’t pregnant, yet still felt nauseated from the hormones, which was just a massive punch to the guts. I’d lie there after Ben and Joan got out of bed, with the covers over my head and cry. Sometimes I’d call for Ben to physically help me out of bed. But when I did get up, and shower and moisturise and stretch, I felt a million times better. I felt like a totally a different person. Those weeks were hard. And while it’s ok to feel sad, it’s good, even, I should never underestimate the power of a hot shower.
WATCHING: Mad Men (for the 3rd or 4th time), House of Cards and Fargo (season 2). I also might start Pride and Prejudice again, for the billionth time.
WEARING: jeans or leggings, thick socks and warm jumpers. My appetite hasn’t been great recently, and after everything we’ve been through, I’m finding it depressingly easy to button-up my jeans. I was getting so excited about the fact that I was already needing to unbutton them. I just remind myself that soon enough I’ll pop out of my clothes.
BUYING: everything. Whatever makes us feel good. We had planned on going to Italy in June (hoping to bring our 5 month old baby), but now we’re delaying the trip to 2019 and relaxing our spending strings. We were in survival mode for a while there, as Ben and I were both physically and mentally exhausted. So we’ve been splurging on veggie juices, movies on iTunes, fancy curry pastes, takeaway soups from cafes, flowers, whatever makes life easier and happier.
PLAYING: we bought Joan a scooter recently (a few days after we learnt that our baby wasn’t developing, I believe). Our neighbour kids have scooters which Joan adores and borrows, and we imagined we might buy her one in the coming months anyway. Whenever we played on the street with the kids, Joan would repeat to herself and us “Joanie big girl scooter one day”. On that day we were (and still are) firmly in a “let’s treat ourselves and live life” way of thinking, so we bought her a fancy red scooter. She keeps calling herself a “big girl” and it makes us so happy to see her so happy.
PLANNING: where to eat in Byron Bay. What to read in Byron Bay. What to pack for Byron Bay.
CRAVING: I honestly can’t think of anything. Again, when I’m sad or grieving, my appetite goes and I have to force myself to eat. Croissants are my preferred way to keep my calories up, so I guess I’ll say those. Or, actually, I adore raw cakes (dates and nuts are some of my favourite foods, and Joan love them, too.) A raw caramel slice would do just splendidly.
LOVING: these days that are sunny and crisp or cool or cold. They’re perfect to me right now, just what I need to snuggle in and help me recover.
SAVOURING: the extra time we have Joan in our bed. Some kids like space, and perhaps our next won’t co-sleep like Joan, but boy does she love sleeping with us – wrapping her hands around our necks or down our tops for comfort and warmth. It’s just her, she has always preferred sleeping close to us. We imagined we’d move her into her own bed next month, to allow plenty of time for her to get used to it before the baby came, but now we don’t feel so rushed. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for signs of readiness, though I expect we’ll transition her in the next 6 months. I’ve found that with Joan, transitions are easier the older she gets and the more she is able to comprehend.
FEELING: Often uncomfortable and empty. Sometimes sad. Mostly excited and grateful. Uncomfortable because I still feel nauseated and crampy. Though soon I won’t feel this way (update: after the procedure, the nausea has gone, yet the cramps will remain for a little while). And empty because my belly feels lifeless. I don’t feel the energy of new life there anymore, and instead I feel like there is a black hole in my chest. I feel sad because Ben and I are so ready to have more children. That’s the thing that makes us most upset… we just want another little babe to love on. We’re suckers for it. My head knows the transition of bringing a new baby into our family will be easier for each of us (in respect to our personalities) if it takes 6-12 months to become pregnant. My head knows there are many benefits to waiting a bit more. And it knows the time spent waiting won’t feel so long once it happens. But our hearts are just so itchy to hold our next newborn. Patience and surrendering, friends, it’s what’s necessary. So I’m mostly just excited and grateful. Excited for our next baby and grateful that we became pregnant easily, which we honestly did not expect. I’m also grateful for those who have reached out to say that this happened to them too, that it sucks and that this is just what we have to go through to get our rainbow baby.
Happenings posts inspired by Pip.