Happenings 25.8.20

(written in bits and pieces over the month of August)

DOING: sitting at my desk. It’s Sunday morning and Ben has taken the kids outside. From my window I can see Joan and Walt playing in the garden with little shovels. They’re moving dirt from the ground into a flower pot, adding petals and sand, and fighting over who gets to stir it all with a big wooden spoon. It’s cold but the sky is white; everything looks bright.

HEARING: I can hear Joan and Walt yelling at each other. I can hear Ben’s voice, doing his best to sportscast what’s happening. He’s tired. I am, too. I wonder if we’re coming down with something.

DRINKING: black coffee.

EATING + COOKING: we just ate eggs for breakfast. I scrambled them and served them with leftover roasted vegetables and quinoa. My kids love quinoa. Honestly, they shovel it into their mouths. Usually I make a batch for us to eat throughout the week, but it’s been some time since I’ve made any; they must have missed it. To go with our quinoa I cooked some spring onion in a skillet with olive oil and sea salt. Joan helped. She’s been helping me cook a lot lately, pushing the learning tower that my dad built when she was a toddler over to the stove and standing alongside me as we make a casserole or pot of soup. I think she likes the feeling of being a big kid. She also likes to stir the onion. That’s my favourite part, too.

What else have I (or, we) been cooking? Well, I was planning on doing a trial of my next ABC Life recipe this morning, but I realised we have no garlic. Our vegetable box is getting delivered today, so we might get some in time for dinner. If not, I’ll have to put an order in with our local grocer. Now that we’re in lockdown again we’re getting most things delivered to our door. I’m ok with being home but Ben’s getting cabin fever, I can tell. In lieu of being able to get out and about, I’ve been trying to do small things throughout the day to help him feel nurtured. I do this for myself, too. As full as our days are, I always manage to weave in moments for myself. Things like meditating for ten minutes when I put Walt down for his nap and again when I lay down with Joan at night, or taking a minute to drink my coffee and look in a favourite cookbook after breakfast when the kids are running wild in the lounge room - dishes be damned. But Ben doesn’t do this. Partly because he’s so busy with work, and partly because it doesn’t come naturally to him to tune in to his needs and care for himself. He puts work, the kids and I before himself - always, and to his detriment. And so I try to remind him to pause, even just for one minute, and figure out how he’s feeling and what he needs.

It’s hard at the moment, though, when we’re all home, all the time. While I’ve become quite good at taking a breath when the kids are yelling or tugging at my legs, I crave my solo time on the weekend when I can sit and breathe, think, daydream, read and write without interruption. Doing these things has never felt so good or important. Having said this, Joan is now quite accepting when I tell her I need a moment to take a breath. She understands that by slowing down and giving my body oxygen, I’m caring for it in the same manner as when I stop to drink a glass of water. And I think it’s good for her to see me do it. We’ve even been breathing together on occasion, after my mother sent me an article describing a deep breathing activity for kids (it’s called bear belly breathing). Joan quite liked the exercise. Well, she said it was better than the relaxation breathing she does at kinder, which is apparently “SO BORING.” So, I added it to her list.

I’ve made quite a few lists lately - mostly notes on different things that help each of us to feel good and nurtured. Things like using brushes to paint water on bricks and singing I Can Sing a Rainbow while cuddling by a window. Things I don’t always think of when I need them. Joan and Walt have recently had quite a few anger explosions, and so I now have another list - one with activities that might help them expel their energy and express their emotions in a safe way. I’m very much a ‘potter around the house and do what feels good in the moment’ kind of person, but have come to learn that Joan and Walt do better when I intentionally work in different activities throughout the day that help them use their bodies. Things like dancing to the Moana soundtrack and playing musical statues, and running around outdoors - jumping in puddles, collecting leaves, weeding the garden, making mud pies, writing in our nature journal (making note of what we see in the garden or on walks) and looking at the clouds. I just don’t naturally think to do these sorts of things, so my lists have been helpful.

I haven’t really spoken about what we’re eating and cooking at the moment, have I? My brain is elsewhere, I suppose. But I might end this prompt by telling you what Walt is enjoying eating at the moment. He is quite contrary with his food choices. One day he’ll eat broccoli, the next he refuses it. Which is entirely normal, of course. He’s a toddler and that’s his job. Though there are some things he’ll usually always devour, such as cheese, avocado, quinoa, toast, salmon, lemon, slow-cooked beef + veggie casseroles, frozen raspberries and banana. If he so much as hears the words “pasta” or “kefir” he will race to the table, climb onto a chair and chant “Paata! Paata!” or “Ear! Ear!”. Yes, I’d say pasta and kefir are his favourites. Like Joan, Walt is also interested in helping me cook, though his duties are presently relegated to stirring, sprinkling and taste-testing. Perhaps the recipe we most enjoying making together is this one for chocolatey honey bars. They’re quick to make, involve a good amount of stirring and squishing, and are incredibly delicious. Like my Chocolate Clair Bars, they’re the perfect afternoon pick-me-up.

WANTING: Joan to have a special birthday. She turns five this week and instead of the party she’d hoped for with her friends (gosh, she adores her friends - they’re so important to her), it’ll be just the four of us. She seems fairly accepting of this, though, and Ben and I have gone to great lengths to make her feel special. I’ve ordered some rainbow bunting from Etsy, which I’m hoping will arrive in time; we’ll put that up around the kitchen table/lounge room area for her to see when she wakes up, along with some bunches of flowers and a stack of presents that will be a little bigger than usual. And there will be cake! Not the Dolly Varden cake she initially requested (thank goodness) because our oven has broken (more below), but a no-bake cheesecake, which I’ve made before and loved. It’s really simple so the four of us can make it together; Joan will no doubt cover it with marshmallows, because they are the primary reason she wanted the Dolly Varden cake in the first place.

LOOKING: forward to Ben having some time off work. He’s taking six days off (starting today!) and I am so happy for him. I’m happy for the kids and me, too. Hopefully he can have a few naps and laze about a bit. We’d like to go on a few long walks, too; maybe return a few items we’ve bought online that haven’t worked and organise the laundry cupboard. Mostly, though, we just want to hang out together, build cubbies and eat pancakes.

DECIDING: what oven we are going to buy. We knew our current oven would need replacing eventually, as it was old and not working all that well (cakes would never really cook through), but we thought we had a little more time. Then the door broke, right as I was taking out this apple cake, and now it’s officially beyond repair. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but I loathe product research, particularly for big purchase items. Ovens are expensive and important and there is a lot to consider. Thankfully Ben, my mum and friends have been very helpful. I also asked for suggestions on instagram and got a whole lot of replies (thank you, thank you!). Watch this space.

ENJOYING: rainy days. The feeling of being cozy inside when it’s howling outside is uniquely comforting. Quite often Joan and I will run outside to let droplets land on our skin - just for a moment - but Walt isn’t so sure about rain. Or wind for that matter. He usually stays inside, cheering us on from the window.

WATCHING: Ben and I have started watching The West Wing and are loving it, mostly because of the 90s nostaglia and Bradley Whitford (who makes me think of Billy Madison, which makes me think of my older brother, which makes me think of the 90s).

READING: I’m still reading The Yield, by Tara June Winch (wow), and I’ve also recently borrowed Hunger, by Roxane Gay.

WEARING: last month I treated myself to some pairs of supremely warm socks from Woollykins, and I’m so glad I did - the quality is excellent and I can tell they will last for a long time. I also bought a pair of their slippers, which are wonderful. I’ve come to realise how important it is that I keep my feet warm. My circulation is very poor (raynaud’s, apparently) and because of this I’m prone to getting cuts and ulcers on my toes (I had another one earlier this month). I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited for warmer weather to arrive.

BUYING: an oven! See the deciding prompt above.

PLAYING: hotter and colder. Joan will hide a toy and I have to walk around the house searching for it. If I’m getting close she’ll say “hotter”, if I’m edging away she’ll say “colder”. Joan LOVES this game, I don’t mind it and Walt is just happy to be along for the ride.

PLANNING: crafting and number/letter tracing activities for Joan. When Joan and Walt are in the right mood they will play together really well - chashing each other down the hall, jumping on the couch, cooking in their pretend kitchen or playing outdoors. But when it comes to drawing or crafting they are worlds apart; Joan will sit and craft contentedly, whereas Walt will demand to be at the table with us, only to spend his time throwing pencils all over the place because his impulse control is just not there. It’s taken me a while to realise that they simply don’t do these activities well together, and because Joan so dearly loves doing these things I’m trying to set her up with something and then give my attention to Walt. I’ve stocked up on glue sticks and now, thanks to generous friends and family who have given us hand-me-downs, we have a nice little collection of textas, scissors, paper and fabric. We also have a nice little collection of leaves and flowers that we gather during our walks. They sit in a basket on the kitchen bench and Joan will sometimes use them while crafting.

CRAVING: roasted vegetables. We usually eat roasted veg - big bowls of them - multiple times a week; I miss them. I’m also craving gyros, Deb style. And pancakes! This morning I realised it had been months since we’d made some, so this morning Joan helped me mix the batter. She even flipped a few herself. Oh, the look on her face when she successfully flipped her first pancake - such bright-eyed joy and pride. The last one she flipped, which was rather perfect, she said was for me.

LOVING: being able to breathe. Meditation has been completely life changing for me. I didn’t realise how much I needed it, or how much I was struggling with grief and fear, until I started breathing (more in my previous post).

SAVOURING: these moments when Ben is with the kids and I get to sit and write and sip coffee and listen to music and gain perspective. It’s refreshing and entirely necessary.

FEELING: so, remember how I said I thought we were coming down with something? Well, we did. We then got drive-through tested for COVID, just Ben and me, which was bizarre (we were negative). Anyway, that knocked us out for almost a week; the four of us were properly tired and grumpy. We’re feeling brighter now, though. Joan is extremely excited about her birthday and that makes me feel happy. I’m sad my family can’t join us to celebrate (sad for them missing out, mostly) and I’m also really grateful - for our home, for my family, and for the fact that Joan and Walt have each other as companions. Finally, for the first time in months, I’m feeling content. The struggles I’ve been dealing with these past few months don’t feel consuming or overwhelming anymore. I feel like myself again, only stronger - more aware, and more able to handle what life throws at me. And that feels really good.

Happenings posts inspired by Pip.

Heidi xo