Happenings 22.7.20

* written in bits and pieces over the month of June and the beginning of July.

DOING: sitting at the kitchen bench. Joan is at kinder, Ben is working in the study and I’ve jut put Walt down for a nap. For a while now he’s been having just one nap a day, usually around 11:30am. By that time he’s properly tired, after waking early with the birds and spending his morning chasing Joan, playing with toy cars, looking at books and making me cup after cup of pretend coffee (observant, isn’t he?). Gone (for now) are the days when it took me great lengths of time to get him to sleep; very soon after he latches he’s out. I then lay down beside him and meditate for 10 minutes.

Meditation is new to me. For as long as I can recall I’ve paid attention to how I’m feeling, and I’m fond of meditative practices such as chopping vegetables, but I had never done the sort of meditation where you lay still and focus on your breath. But then right around Mother’s Day something happened in my life - something I found very triggering - and all those feelings I had after losing my brother and my sister-in-law exploded out of me. I felt overwhelmed with grief and fear and anxiety. In the lead up to this explosion I knew I wasn’t addressing my feelings - not properly. They felt too big, too painful to deal with, so I pushed them away. I wasn’t ready. But then it all came out and I didn’t have a choice.

I now meditate twice a day - when I am breastfeeding Walt to sleep in the middle of the day, and again at night when I am lying beside Joan as she falls asleep. I don’t listen to anything while doing this, I simply lay there and breathe - allowing distracting thoughts to fade away and strengthening that part of my brain that keeps me grounded and present. It took some time for me to find my groove with it all (and I certainly didn’t feel the benefits immediately), but now I can’t imagine my day without it.

HEARING: the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack. I play it most days as it continues to make me so very happy.

DRINKING: the remainder of my coffee from this morning. Every morning I make a big pot of plunger coffee and sip it throughout the day. I buy both regular beans and decaffeinated (this brand and through Prom Coast Food Collective - more below), grinding them in a little spice/coffee grinder my parents gifted us for Christmas.

When lockdown round 1 began I developed a taste for strong coffee. And I had a jolly time drinking it - for a while, until I started getting the jitters. At one point I came down with a virus (just an ordinary one) and during that time when I was feeling rotten I decided to cut my intake right back. When I’m sick I don’t tend to feel like coffee, you see, so it was a good time to wean myself. And do you know what? I thought I would miss drinking strong coffee, but I actually don’t mind that it’s now largely decaffeinated. I still brings me comfort and gives me a little kick.

EATING + COOKING: over the past month we’ve started purchasing more and more produce through Prom Coast Food Collective. Each week we get a large, organic vegetable + fruit box, a loaf or two of sourdough bread, a bag of apples, eggs, milk, kefir and yoghurt delivered to our door - it’s so convenient. We may also add extras like lentils, grains, pasta, meat, cheese and coffee, depending on our needs. They sell many more things including jams, honey, pizza, pies and biodynamic wine. The quality of the food is excellent, as are the prices. We feel really lucky to be able to buy this produce and support this collaboration of local (to us), ethical farmers who are passionate about organic and sustainable farming. 90 cents from every dollar goes directly to the farmers - it’s a big deal.

Unpacking our produce every Sunday has become one of my favourite times of the week. I’ll sit on the kitchen floor and watch Joan pulling out each vegetable, giddy with excitement, while Walt dances around the room - excited because we’re excited. Last night we made a simple soup based on the recipe in my book, with carrots and potatoes. Towards the end I added the leaves and florets from the most beautiful bright purple cauliflower, which came in our box. Joan called it rainbow soup. And while Walt didn’t actually eat any of the cauliflower he would smile and repeat “AIN-NO” whenever he looked at his bowl.

Our days at the moment are properly cold. Unsurprisingly, I’ve found myself craving hearty food. Things like my potato, carrot and parsnip stew, which I’ve made quite a bit these past few months, along with our usual favourites like dhal and roasted vegetables. I recently bought Meera Sodha’s cookbook Made In India, which we’re working our way through. Every recipe we’ve made we have loved. I’ve also started boiling eggs in batches again. I’ll grab one first thing in the morning and eat it while preparing toast. We eat a lot of toast.

There’s a recipe for strawberry crumble in one of Joan’s books, Lunch at 10 Pomegranate Street, which we’ve been making fairly regularly, though we adapt it based on whatever fruit we have on hand; thinly sliced apple is a favourite. I also like to make a few minor adjustments to the topping, adding a little more sugar and using half flour/half rolled oats (instead of all flour). My mum’s apple crumble is made with oats and so, to me, crumble isn’t crumble to me without them. We serve our crumble with creme fraiche or cream. Or yoghurt, if we’re eating leftovers for breakfast.

WANTING: oooomf, this is a big one. There is so much going on in the world at the moment. The Black Lives Matter movement and COVID are front of my mind. I, like many white people, am finally seeing the extent of my privilege. My eyes are open to the systemic racism that works to oppress Black, Indigenous and People of Colour (BIPOC). This is not a new problem and it’s not someone else’s problem, and I am committed to doing better.

Right now in Melbourne we are seven days in to lockdown number 2 and my wants are with the vulnerable. I want everyone to feel safe. I want everyone to feel respected. I want everyone to have food. I want everyone to have access to healthcare and whatever medication they need. I want everyone to be warm. Now more than ever Ben and I are aware of our privilege, and so we have donated to various funds (see the deciding prompt below) and are figuring out what we can do on an ongoing basis to support our community. Because those things I listed above - safety, respect, food, healthcare, warmth - we have them. And so should everyone else.

LOOKING: for Walt’s little toy bus. It’s his favourite toy, one he’d put in his hand or tuck under his armpit as he pottered around the house. I expect he opened some drawer and popped it in, but as of yet there’s so sign of it.

DECIDING: how we, as a family, can support various socially responsible organisations. Thank you to Ariel on Instagram who pointed me in the direction of this document compiled by Mina McMahon (thanks to Mina and everyone who worked on this, I am grateful for your work!). It’s an important read, outlining why white people need to step up and fight systemic racism, and highlighting various organisations and causes we can support as we do this work. So far Ben and I have done a tonne of reading (and there’s still so much more to do), signed petitions, donated money to various to organisations, purchased books by BIPOC authors to better understand their lived experiences, downloaded podcasts created by BIPOC voices and have had a look at what businesses we can support on an ongoing basis as we go about our lives - buying food, clothes, books, etc. We’ve also set up a monthly donation to Foodbank Victoria, who are doing excellent work to support vulnerable people. The reason I’m sharing all of this here (besides the fact that it’s important) is because I have personally found it helpful to hear what others are doing as they work towards being true allies to BIPOC. This is lifelong work.

ENJOYING: this long nap Walt is taking. I could (and do) stare at his little face non-stop as he goes about his business - he’s absolutely adorable. But my goodness, it’s nice to just sit down by myself. Walt is now 21 months old and is constantly testing boundaries to see whether I really do mean that I don’t want him to pull on the blinds or empty his cup of water over his toast. Or to see if Joan will get mad again when he takes her special pens. As I’ve been setting these limits with Walt I’ve noticed how different he is to Joan in regards to the way in which I need to deliver messages and the number of times I need to repeat them. Maggie Dent’s work has been really helpful in this regard, outlining the way boys brains work and what we can do to support them, rather than just getting frustrated (I loved this podcast episode). And, as always, Janet Lansbury has been invaluable with her guidance on setting limits. I’ve also been really enjoying the UpBringing podcast and Instagram feed - their content is so useful and encouraging, and I love the feeling of solidarity it gives me.

WATCHING: like many people, Ben and I watched Hamilton this month and loved it. We’ve also started watching Insecure together, which is great - Issa Rae is brilliant. And after finishing the book, I finally watched the series of Normal People and my goodness, wasn’t it done so incredibly well?!

READING: as someone who takes a long time to finish books, I moved through Normal People very quickly. I’ve now started reading The Yield by Tara June Winch, which is excellent.

WEARING: twenty thousand pairs of socks. I have poor circulation and have really only started to pay attention to it this winter after getting an ulcer on my toe and discovering chilblains. I asked for ethical slipper recommendations on instagram (thank you to everyone who responded) and could not find a pair that satisfied all my requirements - to be sustainably and locally made, and to be as warm as sheepskin. I ended up ordering a pair of UGGs from this 100% Australian made brand but they took forever to arrive and, dang it, the boots are too big. I’m awaiting a response about an exchange and in the mean time wearing twenty thousand pairs of socks.

BUYING: Ben ordered us some reusable face masks from Sister Works. I also ordered Joan some goodies from Little Nook for her birthday next month.

CRAVING: right now? Roasted cabbage and Meera Sodha’s caramelised onion jeera rice (it’s so good) from Made In India. I wouldn’t mind a banana, too. And some chocolate.

PLAYING: if Walt isn’t playing with toy trains or trucks he’ll most likely be standing at his pretend kitchen. Even though he has little pots and spoons of his own he’ll take one of my saucepans from the cupboard and ask for a wooden spoon (the biggest one), then potter over to stand at his pretend stove where he’ll put various toy vegetables into the pot, all the while stirring and repeating the word “cooking” every twenty seconds or so.

PLANNING: how to keep my kiddos entertained while I do a podcast interview tonight. I’m being interviewed by Alissa, who is in London, and the time difference is a little tricky. I’ll be sitting down at 6pm, which is prime time for overtired kids to be making lots of noise. I think I’ll get them fed and bathed early, then pop them in front of Brambly Hedge with some snacks. Ben will be with them and is absolutely capable of caring for them, but Walt is quite needy at that time of night so I wouldn’t be surprised if he bangs on the door demanding breastmilk. Let’s hope he’s content with a cup of his beloved kefir, which he calls “ear”.

SAVOURING: the age Walt is right now. He’s not yet stringing words together consistently, for the most part it’s singular words - but a lot of them, and it’s just outstandingly cute. We’ve been trying to record as much as possible on video this past week or so, before it all changes. I don’t want to forget the way he says “toowee” (tree), “tato” (potato), “dooya” (Julia), “hwick” (quick) or “miu-kick” (music).

LOVING: standing by the stove cooking onions; when Walt doesn’t wake as I climb into bed beside him at night with a hot water bottle and a book; the way Joan moves her hands when she’s explaining something to me; the way Walt grabs my hand and says “come”, leading me to play with him; and the way Joan brushes her hair (it’s long, prone to knots and she’s got a system). Those are just a few things.

FEELING: in different ways my meditation practice has helped me to feel stronger and softer, and I’m grateful for it. I’m also grateful for the support Ben and my parents gave me when I was struggling - they were there to talk things through and help me gain perspective. Many times last month Ben would take the kids outside so I could stop and breathe and feel the feelings that were flooding over me and then, little by little, work through them. It was a lot. Lastly, I’m so pleased to be sitting here, writing. I haven’t had the time to do this lately, and yet, I’ve really needed to.

Happenings posts inspired by Pip.

Heidi xo