Happenings 25.11.19
DOING: right now I’m sitting on my bed beside Walt, who is napping. Joan is at kinder and I’ve got a hot coffee and a moment to write - bliss.
I haven’t come to this space for a good few weeks because life has been busy and hard. In July this year, my sister-in-law was diagnosed wth pancreatic cancer. It’s a beast of a disease, so cruel and unfair. Two weeks ago, on the 11th, we lost her. Ben is exhausted. Every now and then I see the reality of what has happened take his breath away. And although Joan knows all about my older brother who died 11 years ago, it’s been a whole new thing to support her through losing someone she’s been close to. I’m exhausted, too. But it’s nice to be back here, writing and reflecting on the big and little things. I’ve missed it.
HEARING: Walt’s sleepy music and the birds chatting outside my bedroom window.
DRINKING: A coffee. Coffee makes me so happy. You know this, though, don’t you?
EATING + COOKING: my appetite comes in waves when I’m grieving. Most of the time I don’t feel like eating and then all of a sudden it hits me and I inhale enormous (for me) portions. We’ve been eating a lot of toast, salad sandwiches (adding a slick of pesto makes them exceptional), pasta and vegetable curries with legumes. I’ve also been making bolognese fairly regularly, both for our freezer and my brother-in-law’s.
Last weekend we made brown butter baked doughnuts - something I used to make often when it was just Ben and me. I’ve been meaning to make them for some time, as I knew Joan would love them. She did. Joan was also very fond of this porridge I served the other day, (see pic below) which was rolled oats cooked in water with a splash of full cream milk, topped with organic cream, hemp seeds, sugar and toasted walnuts.
WANTING: I had to remove this prompt from my previous happenings posts, as all I wanted was for my sister-in-law to get better and I couldn’t think of anything else to write. Amanda was a private person, though, so it didn’t feel right to talk about what we were going though. And because I struggle to be anything but authentic here and on instagram, I left it out.
What am I wanting now? After everything that has happened, that feels like such a big question. For my family, I want to help Joan process this loss in her time, as best as I can. I’ve found this resource from the cancer council helpful, and I’ve also been looking to my mother for guidance (she studied early childhood education and is a psychologist). I also want to support Ben by making sure he has time to self-care. With work, the kids and household stuff, he barely has time to do anything and I can tell he’s running on empty. Slow weekends at home help, with lots of snuggles and maybe a walk to the local coffee shop.
DECIDING: what cake Joan and I will make for Ben’s birthday next month. Naturally it’ll be a Flour & Stone recipe. When we get a moment to ourselves, the two of us like to flick through the book and ponder which creation he’d like best.
LOOKING: for a Moana book. Ben spent the final days of his sister’s life by her bed at the hospital, while I bunkered down at home with the kiddos. One of those days was quite rainy and I felt like tuning out with movie, so during Walt’s second nap of the day (he just has two now) Joan and I watched Moana on my laptop while Walt slept in my arms. Joan has been wanting to watch the movie Moana for some time after hearing about it from friends, but we’ve held off because of the lava monster. In the past she’s been sensitive to anything intense and frightening, you see. But that seems to be passing, so I thought we’d give it a go. And it was so nice to snuggle up together and watch Moana be brave and compassionate, and for Joan to see a character on screen that is so obviously more than just a pretty face (and for her face to not look like all the other pretty faces that dominate the princess/fairy sphere). Oh, and when the lava monster came on, I turned the volume down to lessen the intensity. I also suggested Joan imagine the monster had poo on its face, because poo makes her giggle (we’re in that phase). It seemed to work. She’s now asking Father Christmas, whom she adorably calls “Santa Christmas”, for a Moana book and I’m more than happy to oblige.
ENJOYING: this moment to myself. Giving Joan the support she needs right now has been incredibly draining. She’s angry and cannot articulate why. And, because she’s four, she struggles to let her anger out in a way that doesn’t hurt someone or something. I try my hardest to meet her with compassion, and to be her safe place. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I just need a good cry. And a coffee.
WATCHING: Shrill. It’s excellent.
READING: I finished Educated (at last!) and have now started Three Women. I’m only 20 pages in but so far I’m finding it interesting. I’ve also been reading these two books to Joan - The Memory Tree and Ida, Always - to help her process her Aunty’s death.
WEARING: jeans and tshirts. If it’s too hot for jeans I’ve been wearing a pair of linen pants I got at the op shop.
BUYING: I’m trying to be super organised with Christmas this year. We don’t buy a lot of presents and I am really trying to be thoughtful in my purchases - favouring sustainability and small businesses, and things that will last for years and years.
PLANNING: some events for next year. I was trying to organise a few interstate events and meet-ups in November/December/January but it is such a busy time of year for bookstores (for everyone, really) and it was becoming too difficult. And then with Amanda’s health declining, it became clear the best thing to do was put it on hold until the new year. We’re looking to come to Canberra, Sydney and Brisbane - perhaps mid Feb or March. Please let me know if you’re keen to come to some sort of event. And if you’re a bookseller, cafe owner or in the same industry as me and would like to collaborate, please get in touch!
CRAVING: salad sandwiches with avocado, grated veggies, pickles, sun-dried tomatoes, cheese, salad onion and pesto. Ooomf, they’re so good.
LOVING: my family.
SAVOURING: my family and this time we have together. I can’t think about how precious it is without feeling overwhelmed. So I don’t think about it. I just soak it up and know in my bones that it’s everything.
FEELING: heartbroken. Exhausted. And ready for the Christmas break.
Happenings posts inspired by Pip.
Heidi xo