Happenings 17.10.20

* written over the month of October.

DOING: sitting at the kitchen bench. Walt is napping in our bedroom, Joan is at kinder (hooray, kinder is back!) and Ben is in the study.

HEARING: the oven warming up. Our new oven! In my last happenings post I mentioned we were on the hunt for a new oven after our previous (very old) one stopped working. Well, last month we made a decision and bought a Bosch (for those interested, it’s this one), which Walt promptly named Meatball. I’m still getting to know Meatball, but so far I’m impressed.

Once the oven has warmed up I’m going to cook some kale chips. I want there to be a bowl of crunchy kale on the bench when Joan gets home from kinder. I’m not always this organised, but I do try to gear myself up for those hours after kinder, when Joan is tired and so easily triggered by anything Walt does (the poor love). Seeing as Joan is five and her brain is still developing (it’s always good to remind ourselves of that, I find) she doesn’t always have the ability to tell me with words that she feels hurt because one of her friends said something unkind to her at kinder; or that she feels unsettled because she said something unkind to one of her friends; or that she’s missing her cousins (given the current lockdown rules, we’re unable to visit them). No, those feelings come out in different ways, especially if she’s tired. And so, I essentially spend all those hours between home-time and bedtime anticipating anger explosions, giving Joan opportunities to express and process her feelings in a safe way, and protecting Walt when she is struggling - all the while making sure my reaction doesn’t make her feel ashamed for having big, overwhelming feelings. It’s important to me that she knows I want her to share her feelings with me - all of them, even when she’s struggling to share them in a gentle way. I’m her person. I’m the chosen one, as Hannah and Kelty say. And how I respond matters.

It takes a lot of self-regulation on my part to be in a place where I am able to handle things in my ideal way - by non-judgementally observing what is going on and offering my unconditional, warm + loving support. And when I do, I feel like I deserve a standing ovation (I for real do a happy dance in my head because it just feels so good and right). That doesn’t always happen, though. And that’s ok. I want my kids see that I, too, can feel overwhelmed, sad and angry; and that I, too, make mistakes. And then I get to reconnect, apologise and model self-compassion - that’s good stuff.

Now, when Joan gets mad at Walt or is just generally dysregulated, Walt will turn to me and say “Joan struggling”. He will even occasionally say it to me when he’s having a hard time - “STRAH-GING!” All this is to say, I am really proud of the work I am doing as a parent. It feels really good. It’s not always easy, though, so I regularly turn to Hannah and Kelty for a moral boost and a reminder to up my self-regulation game. They make me feel seen and empowered (for those of you who are also Upbringing fans, you’ll know what I mean when I say that I feel like Hannah and Kelty are my sensitive support staff). This past month I have spent so much time reading and referring back to their big feelings and siblings survival guides (which were kindly sent to me, and which I have found phenomenally helpful). I feel like I say this often about their work, but it’s life-changing. And I’m really grateful for it.

DRINKING: the remainder of my morning coffee. I quite like cold black coffee.

EATING + COOKING: tonight I’m trialling a recipe for my ABC Life column. Joan will be thrilled because it’s made with pastry, which is one of her very favourite things. My plan is to put Sesame Street on for the kiddos while I cook and take notes. Walt may sit and watch but it’s more likely he’ll come looking for me and then try to hide his toy cars in the fridge.

What else have we been eating? As always, lots of toast. Salad sandwiches, too. Is there a better lunch than a salad sandwich? I’m not sure there is. I like mine with mayonnaise, avocado, lettuce or baby spinach, grated carrot, grated beetroot, pickles, onion (red onion and/or spring onion), and a nice, sharp, hard cheese. We’ve also been eating a lot of eggs, both scrambled and fried. And after offering Walt tastes of sauerkraut for months (and him saying “NO” for months), he’s finally come around to it, so I’ve been adding a little to his meals. I like having lunch just the two of us while Joan is at kinder. One-on-one time with Walt is a novelty.

WANTING: to see my grandparents and brother - and not just via FaceTime.

LOOKING: for new stainless steel drink bottles for the kids.

DECIDING: what food to make for Walt’s birthday breakfast on Monday. Ben has taken the day off so we’ll be able to spend the whole day together - playing, cooking, eating and just generally making our littlest love feel special. We’re going to make a chocolate cake (either a Nigella or Julia recipe) with raspberries and cream, and for dinner I’ll make his favourite - spaghetti and meatballs (hence the name of our oven). I think lunch will be a brothy vegetable soup; he loves that sort of thing and I expect I will feel like a decent hit of vegetables at some point (I usually do). But what to make for breakfast….? I’ve tried asking him what he wants but all he says is “good”. To be fair, he’s generally pretty disinterested in food at breakfast time. Although he does like smoothies. Actually, maybe just a banana; he loves bananas.

ENJOYING: this quiet moment to myself. Usually this room is full of bodies and noise and mess, and while it’s still rather messy, it’s presently quiet and peaceful; temporarily so, which makes it all the more enjoyable.

PLAYING: the kids are really in to building cubbies at the moment. They like to incorporate the toy kitchen into the cubby and turn it into a restaurant. Walt is also obsessed with washing the dishes. He’ll drag a stool over to the sink and ask, incessantly, to be a “disher! disher!” He also continues to love playing with toy cars, buses, trucks and trains; we’re constantly finding them in drawers and odd spots around the house. Finally, we’ve been spending lots of time outdoors, particularly after kinder. Nature is so calming and energising, and I’m grateful for the space we have around us.

WATCHING: Ben and I are making our way through Insecure and The West Wing. I’ve also started watching The Great, and while parts are disturbing and gruesome, on the whole I’m enjoying it. The costumes and sets are beautiful.

READING: this past month I read Hunger by Roxane Gay. With much vulnerability Roxane shares her experience of living in a fat body; it’s an important read, though victims of sexual abuse may find it triggering. And now I’m re-reading Pride and Prejudice because I felt like I needed something familiar and comforting.

WEARING: jeans and white t-shirts, or dresses and woollen jumpers.

BUYING: Ben has become convinced we need a projector for our family movie night/lounge-room sleepover, which now happens every Saturday and is one of the best parts of our week. I fully support his vision.

PLANNING: what we’re going to watch for our movie night this week. Joan suggested Moana. We love that movie, and while there are quite a few scary moments, Walt is happy to leave the room here and there. I think he remembers feeling frightened watching an angry cat on screen a few weeks ago, the little sweetheart, and so now he’ll happily climb into my arms if I tell him there’s a scary part coming up. We’re also planning what to make for dessert! I’m voting for chocolate pudding.

LOVING: our new oven. It feels like such a treat to have so much stovetop space, and for cakes to be cooked all the way through. Last week I overcooked some banana bread, checking it at 30 minutes then unnecessarily returning it to the oven for a little longer because I couldn’t fathom it being done in such a short amount of time.

CRAVING: chocolate pudding; salad sandwiches packed with pickles; smoothies loaded with oats and dates and frozen banana and cacao powder; buttermilk pancakes; and pesto pasta. Champagne sounds really good too, actually.

SAVOURING: the moments when my parents are here looking after the kiddos. They’ve just started coming again, once a week, and seeing them in person after all this time feels so special. And what a strange thing, for it to feel special to see my parents in person. It’s a lot to process.

FEELING:  I feel tired. Walt has been really wakeful lately and last night was the worst night we’ve had in months. I also feel excited for his birthday on Monday. I cannot quite believe he will be two. I mean, part of me can because he seems so big now. I also feel like he’s always been with us. But then part of me remembers his birth and the early weeks of his life so vividly. I remember how it felt to hold his tiny body. I remember how my body felt while resting on the couch - tender and tired and flooded with oxytocin. I remember how tired I felt from broken sleep - much like I feel today, actually. Finally, I feel strong. And after going through a heart-piercing season of grief and anxiety, that feels like a big deal. Which is not to say that I felt weak when I was struggling, rather that I feel strong for having gone through it.

Happenings posts inspired by Pip.

Heidi xo